Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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