apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
