Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
