I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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