Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize