i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
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