I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
In America we eat man semen.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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