we have pet lesbian snakes
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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