they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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