New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
