If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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