I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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