never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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