the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
