I just cut my nipple shaving
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
