fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
