Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I can text with my tongue
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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