Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
