Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
