butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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