Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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