I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
