you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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