Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
