her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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