Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
