Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
