I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
