The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
