When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
