I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
