we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
