you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
