I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
