He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
