There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
