Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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