Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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