im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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