When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
