I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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