Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
