There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
