Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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