Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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