That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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