So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
