News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize