using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
