Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
