Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
