..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You've changed since you got that strap on
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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