You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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