you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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