My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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