I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
