i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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