you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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