Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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