having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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