She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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